10

BrainSTEM. Best used with earbuds. Student downloads app and knowledge flows straight into brain like an IV drip. Especially recommended for overnight usage. Currently available in science, technology, engineering and mathematics.

9

LunchSniffer. Scans facedown over cafeteria lunch tray, beeping sound indicates compliance with current U.S. Childhood Obesity Task Force standards, or if food is even present. A well-fed student is a student ready to learn.

8

PrinciPALmapper. GPS provides exact coordinates of principal a la a Harry Potter-style footprint map of your campus. Teachers find it handy for those especially tough days when they need a good listener.

7

GoogleHead. No more thinking! Simply ask user a question. App anticipates the full question before it’s even done being asked. Wifi-enabled, user may experience slight, fleeting headache but will feel much better as they find themselves naturally speaking the correct answer. Makes all students gifted students; professional development credit for teachers.

*”My student is a googlehead app honor student” bumper sticker included.

6

YouTub. No more baths! Parents love YouTub. Download for a clean and fresh-scented student. Takes mere seconds while increasing time spent on homework—thereby leading to better grades. Caution: extended use may affect speech but usually only results in a loss of any possibility of profanity.

5

RightAnswer. Students are beginning to locate copies on the Internet, but this app was developed mainly for members of school boards faced with tough decisions when on the hotseat at weekly meetings.

4

BullyGone. Download for use with unruly students. Aim device at feet. Within seconds, students slowly disappear (similar to a Star Trek transporter) and safely re-appear at home in bed for additional sleep. Integrates with online attendance reporting database.

3

ParentConference. Skype-like application for parents or teachers who would prefer not to attend parent-teacher meetings. Parent and teacher avatars discuss issues, challenges and map a course of action. No actual meeting necessary.

2

OneTeacher. Developed through extensive AI research, blends Oprah, Einstein, Bill Maher, Steven Colbert, William Bennett, Arne Duncan and several teacher-approved websites. Teachers focus on learners who need it, while app-using students still get great help. Eventually phases out teachers altogether and creates a single worldwide ‘teacher entity’ that speaks all languages.

1

BarRaiser. Not to be confused with another app that teacher’s use to relax after a long day, this app automatically raises the bar when it comes to student learning. No need for teachers to teach, students to learn, or administrators to lead—simply download this app instead. Integrates with state standards and reporting requirements.